26.3.07
Bill Schwerskie, A True American.
Bill Schwerskie was born in 1952 to a family of polish immigrants in Akron, Ohio. He was home schooled solely in the art of shoe repair until the age of seven, at which time he was given the length his father, Ballsanis Schwerskie's, lunch break to learn to speak, read, write and love (the latter aided by a 44 year old diner waitress named "Big" Bertha). at the age of nine he was permitted to enter public school, at 9 and 1 month he was asked to leave for ending the life of the class chinchilla, Space Tony.
Schwerskie held odd-jobs for the next fifteen years, working as a mall Santa, Easter Bunny, Adult video store clerk and janitor, gaining mild notoriety as the first man to buff the entire floor of the local Macy's in under 30 minutes. Schwerskie had long considered this the apex of what he could attain in this life, however, his celebrity carried him all the way to Minersville, PA where he was contracted as the school janitor for the 77-78 school year (often taking sanctuary in the boiler room). Students were proud to call Minersville their high school for that year because of its remarkable cleanliness. Due to his stellar performance he was given a 12 year contract to clean this school, which he gladly accepted. The next years passed rather uneventfully, Schwerskie spent the entire time the in boiler room save a trip to serve his country in Grenada as chief restroom constructor, and a day trip to Atlantic City which broke him financially, mentally, and physically. the latter coming after he was caught making a reprehensible attempt to cheat, by taking his bet and running after he had lost it all on the money wheel table.
The year was 1990 and Schwerskie was growing tired of the cleaning racket. Sure he had everything he always wanted: the ability to set his own schedule, a tv, donuts..and the possibility of more donuts to come. But he yearned for something more. It was then, as he was reading the newspaper he'd stolen earlier from the machine on north and 2nd streets that he noticed an employment opportunity for a police officer in the borough of Minersville. He wondered, "can a man with only one month of formal education fit in among the hoity toity officers of the Minersville police Dept? He was damned sure going to find out.
Schwerskie came to the Borough office and was promptly turned away for a lack of pants. Later, when Schwerskie returned, pants in hand, he was asked to put them on the in the bathroom and sit in the office to await his interview.
When the time came Bill was called into the office and grilled hard to find out what kind of officer he would be, he was asked questions like "Bill, what kind of officer would you be?" and, "Did you shit yourself, Bill?" Schwerskie proved himself to the establishment in one simple demonstration. He walked outside and cold-cocked Jerry Sitkus. He was given the job immediately.
Nowadays Schwerskie spends his time as head patty wagon dispatcher for the Borough, which is done by calling "pieces of shit" at 11 p.m. and later and preparing them to be picked up by his partner, "Big Bad" Bruno. If you are unlucky enough to receive a call from Schwerskie, DO NOT take it lightly, he, or Bruno, will make a woman out of you. ¶ 2:15:00 PM
Bill Schwerskie was born in 1952 to a family of polish immigrants in Akron, Ohio. He was home schooled solely in the art of shoe repair until the age of seven, at which time he was given the length his father, Ballsanis Schwerskie's, lunch break to learn to speak, read, write and love (the latter aided by a 44 year old diner waitress named "Big" Bertha). at the age of nine he was permitted to enter public school, at 9 and 1 month he was asked to leave for ending the life of the class chinchilla, Space Tony.
Schwerskie held odd-jobs for the next fifteen years, working as a mall Santa, Easter Bunny, Adult video store clerk and janitor, gaining mild notoriety as the first man to buff the entire floor of the local Macy's in under 30 minutes. Schwerskie had long considered this the apex of what he could attain in this life, however, his celebrity carried him all the way to Minersville, PA where he was contracted as the school janitor for the 77-78 school year (often taking sanctuary in the boiler room). Students were proud to call Minersville their high school for that year because of its remarkable cleanliness. Due to his stellar performance he was given a 12 year contract to clean this school, which he gladly accepted. The next years passed rather uneventfully, Schwerskie spent the entire time the in boiler room save a trip to serve his country in Grenada as chief restroom constructor, and a day trip to Atlantic City which broke him financially, mentally, and physically. the latter coming after he was caught making a reprehensible attempt to cheat, by taking his bet and running after he had lost it all on the money wheel table.
The year was 1990 and Schwerskie was growing tired of the cleaning racket. Sure he had everything he always wanted: the ability to set his own schedule, a tv, donuts..and the possibility of more donuts to come. But he yearned for something more. It was then, as he was reading the newspaper he'd stolen earlier from the machine on north and 2nd streets that he noticed an employment opportunity for a police officer in the borough of Minersville. He wondered, "can a man with only one month of formal education fit in among the hoity toity officers of the Minersville police Dept? He was damned sure going to find out.
Schwerskie came to the Borough office and was promptly turned away for a lack of pants. Later, when Schwerskie returned, pants in hand, he was asked to put them on the in the bathroom and sit in the office to await his interview.
When the time came Bill was called into the office and grilled hard to find out what kind of officer he would be, he was asked questions like "Bill, what kind of officer would you be?" and, "Did you shit yourself, Bill?" Schwerskie proved himself to the establishment in one simple demonstration. He walked outside and cold-cocked Jerry Sitkus. He was given the job immediately.
Nowadays Schwerskie spends his time as head patty wagon dispatcher for the Borough, which is done by calling "pieces of shit" at 11 p.m. and later and preparing them to be picked up by his partner, "Big Bad" Bruno. If you are unlucky enough to receive a call from Schwerskie, DO NOT take it lightly, he, or Bruno, will make a woman out of you. ¶ 2:15:00 PM
