9.5.07
The Great Space War
Tony Lindenmuth was/will be our savior. In an effort to record the prophecies, I will now relay to you all the events that lead up to the restoration of our freedom, by Tony/Space Tony's hands.
As a dynamite handler, Tony paid the bills. He worked his job without more than one hours rest between shifts in order to maintain his armada. He received nothing but criticism for his collection of seemingly useless automobiles, but he took this criticism quietly, for he knew he was destined for glory and he knew this glory would come about through his vast array of cars.
He came to this realization after a trip to the Schuylkill mountains. He had imbibed countless gallons of Blackberry brandy and this caused him to release the contense of himself onto the cold, leafy ground. In this mound he saw a face, a face he could only recognize as his own. He looked deeply into it, and it began to speak. "Great Tony, listen well, for your fate and the fate of humanity of at hand" it said. He replied "No way man, I'm just crazy man, those dynamite fumes man." The visage told him that what he was seeing was no false visage, it was verily a communique from the future, but at risk of creating a rift, the mound said, he could only give limited advice. "Drink the tea, save the world" and as the face faded, Tony contemplated its meaning. Was he so inebriated that he could have imagined it all? "No. This had to be real" he thought, as he sat trying to maintain his composure and the rest of his stomach's material. And he drifted off into a dreamless stupor.
about one week later, Tony came to The Garage. There he was told of a race. A race involving lawn mowers, a race that promised to make a man out of anyone. This race was the Pierogie 500; a lap race around a field referred to as Fannie's field. Tony agreed to enter. Unfortunately, Tony's armada had bankrupted him and he was unable to fund a race crew for the contest. At this point, a squirrelly man, named Jarret Q. Pauly came onto the scene. Pauly agreed to fund the venture. Why, you ask. Pauly agreed to fund it because he knew what was to come. Previously, under his alter ego, Mitch Wolfowitz, he had worked with the Zionist Jew population on a plan to conquer the world and he saw this as his opportunity to put his dreams of global domination into motion.
After Tony Lindenmuth's sound victory in the Pierogie 500 he will become the national poster boy for Guer's Iced Tea, as his frequent quaffing of the beverage, and the superhuman effects it has on him make it an international staple. This measure of celebrity will get him invited to all the same Hollywood parties as celebrities such as Carrot Top and Larry the Cable Guy; but Tony refused to leave home permanently.
On one fateful Schuylkill County night Tony received an annoymnous phone call from the future warning of danger to come. It was revealed that Tony was set to receive an invitation in the coming days to tour the Guer's factory at no cost. Space Tony, as the caller came to be known, revealed that this was a dastardly plot to execute Regular Tony and he should be wary. Tony wondered if this was the same guardian that communicated with him through the vomit, but he couldn't be sure.Tony ultimately refused the advice. He received the call by "Guer's" (Actually it was the Eagle of Christ, a terrorist group with many branches headed by Jarret Q. Pauly) and willingly and excitedly took the offer. About thirty-six hours into the tour, an alarm sounded, it was the Lehigh Valley Ice Tea Terrorist Alert (a branch of the Eagle of Christ), a fact to which Tony was aloof. The terrorists stormed the building and murdered the entire tour group in cold blood, but one man was left alive, that man was Tony. More dead than alive he climbed toward the only thing he could recognize, a 3,000 gallon vat of Guer's Iced Tea. Tony's body, riddled with bullets climbs toward to vat and was able to push himself in.
This was the defining moment of his life. As he fell into the mixture, the tea began to bond with its counterparts in Tony's mustache and soon, the chunks of flesh and the bodily fluids Tony had lost in the gunfight were replaced with fine Guer's Iced Tea. Tony emerged, more tea than man, and dispatched on the Lehigh Valley Terrorists, they all indeed supped of his poison mustache fibers that day I can tell you.
Old Crow will by used by Space Tony to stop the Jew powers of Space Jarret. Space Tony will do this by infusing his 3/4 Guers Iced Tea body with Old Crow, thusly turning himself into a walking Old Richard. This development will burn away the false flesh Space Jarret uses to cover up green, scaly Jew Skin and force him to run to the edges of the multiverse in his shoddily-made, Millennium Bread Truck.
Space Jarret will later be banished to the pits of Girardville, following a second challenge issued to Space Tony
¶ 7:05:00 PM As a dynamite handler, Tony paid the bills. He worked his job without more than one hours rest between shifts in order to maintain his armada. He received nothing but criticism for his collection of seemingly useless automobiles, but he took this criticism quietly, for he knew he was destined for glory and he knew this glory would come about through his vast array of cars.
He came to this realization after a trip to the Schuylkill mountains. He had imbibed countless gallons of Blackberry brandy and this caused him to release the contense of himself onto the cold, leafy ground. In this mound he saw a face, a face he could only recognize as his own. He looked deeply into it, and it began to speak. "Great Tony, listen well, for your fate and the fate of humanity of at hand" it said. He replied "No way man, I'm just crazy man, those dynamite fumes man." The visage told him that what he was seeing was no false visage, it was verily a communique from the future, but at risk of creating a rift, the mound said, he could only give limited advice. "Drink the tea, save the world" and as the face faded, Tony contemplated its meaning. Was he so inebriated that he could have imagined it all? "No. This had to be real" he thought, as he sat trying to maintain his composure and the rest of his stomach's material. And he drifted off into a dreamless stupor.
about one week later, Tony came to The Garage. There he was told of a race. A race involving lawn mowers, a race that promised to make a man out of anyone. This race was the Pierogie 500; a lap race around a field referred to as Fannie's field. Tony agreed to enter. Unfortunately, Tony's armada had bankrupted him and he was unable to fund a race crew for the contest. At this point, a squirrelly man, named Jarret Q. Pauly came onto the scene. Pauly agreed to fund the venture. Why, you ask. Pauly agreed to fund it because he knew what was to come. Previously, under his alter ego, Mitch Wolfowitz, he had worked with the Zionist Jew population on a plan to conquer the world and he saw this as his opportunity to put his dreams of global domination into motion.
-------------------------------------SECTION TO COME LATER-----------------------------------------
After Tony Lindenmuth's sound victory in the Pierogie 500 he will become the national poster boy for Guer's Iced Tea, as his frequent quaffing of the beverage, and the superhuman effects it has on him make it an international staple. This measure of celebrity will get him invited to all the same Hollywood parties as celebrities such as Carrot Top and Larry the Cable Guy; but Tony refused to leave home permanently.
On one fateful Schuylkill County night Tony received an annoymnous phone call from the future warning of danger to come. It was revealed that Tony was set to receive an invitation in the coming days to tour the Guer's factory at no cost. Space Tony, as the caller came to be known, revealed that this was a dastardly plot to execute Regular Tony and he should be wary. Tony wondered if this was the same guardian that communicated with him through the vomit, but he couldn't be sure.Tony ultimately refused the advice. He received the call by "Guer's" (Actually it was the Eagle of Christ, a terrorist group with many branches headed by Jarret Q. Pauly) and willingly and excitedly took the offer. About thirty-six hours into the tour, an alarm sounded, it was the Lehigh Valley Ice Tea Terrorist Alert (a branch of the Eagle of Christ), a fact to which Tony was aloof. The terrorists stormed the building and murdered the entire tour group in cold blood, but one man was left alive, that man was Tony. More dead than alive he climbed toward the only thing he could recognize, a 3,000 gallon vat of Guer's Iced Tea. Tony's body, riddled with bullets climbs toward to vat and was able to push himself in.
This was the defining moment of his life. As he fell into the mixture, the tea began to bond with its counterparts in Tony's mustache and soon, the chunks of flesh and the bodily fluids Tony had lost in the gunfight were replaced with fine Guer's Iced Tea. Tony emerged, more tea than man, and dispatched on the Lehigh Valley Terrorists, they all indeed supped of his poison mustache fibers that day I can tell you.
Somehow a couple thousand years have to pass here... Person who give a good way to do this is a God
Old Crow will by used by Space Tony to stop the Jew powers of Space Jarret. Space Tony will do this by infusing his 3/4 Guers Iced Tea body with Old Crow, thusly turning himself into a walking Old Richard. This development will burn away the false flesh Space Jarret uses to cover up green, scaly Jew Skin and force him to run to the edges of the multiverse in his shoddily-made, Millennium Bread Truck.
Again, something funny has to happen here, give me ideas...
Space Jarret will later be banished to the pits of Girardville, following a second challenge issued to Space Tony
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