21.5.07
Tony
Lindenmuth was/will be our savior. In an effort to record the
prophecies, I will now relay to you all the events that lead up to the
restoration of our freedom, by Tony/Space Tony's hands.
As
a dynamite handler, Tony paid the bills. He worked his job without more
than one hour's rest between shifts in order to maintain his armada. He
received nothing but criticism for his collection of seemingly useless
automobiles, but he took this criticism quietly, for he knew he was
destined for glory and he knew this glory would come about through his
vast array of cars.
He came to this realization after
a trip to the Schuylkill mountains. He had imbibed countless gallons of
Blackberry brandy and this caused him to release the contense of
himself onto the cold, leafy ground. In this mound he saw a face, a
face he could only recognize as his own. He looked deeply into it, and
it began to speak. "Great Tony, listen well, for your fate and the fate
of humanity of at hand" it said. He replied "No way man, I'm just crazy
man, those dynamite fumes man." The visage told him that what he was
seeing was verily a communique from the future,
but at risk of creating a rift, the mound said, he could only give
limited advice. "10,000 years from now the Mustache forest will be destroyed and its people enslaved, 10,000 years ago The Mustache forest will be saved and what can be avoided will be." and as the face faded,
Tony contemplated its meaning. Was he so inebriated that he could have
imagined it all? "No. This had to be real" he thought, as he sat trying
to maintain his composure and the rest of his stomach's material. And
he drifted off into a dreamless stupor.
About one week
later, Tony came to The Garage. There he was told of a race, a race not of men, but of suped up tractors, a race that promised to make a man out of
anyone. This race was the Pierogie 500; a lap race around a field
referred to as Fannie's field. Tony agreed to enter. Unfortunately,
Tony's armada had bankrupted him and he was unable to fund a race crew
for the contest. At this point, a squirrelly man, named Jarret Q. Pauly
came onto the scene. Pauly agreed to fund the venture. Why, you ask.
Pauly agreed to fund it because he knew what was to come. Previously,
under his alter ego, Mitch Wolfowitz, he had worked with the Zionist
Jew population on a plan to conquer the world and he saw this as his
opportunity to put his dreams of global domination into motion.
Tony started a strict diet to prepare for the race. The diet consisted of 500 pierogies each and every day, followed by a generous helping of Guers Iced Tea. Tony gained no extra weight from this diet, mostly because his mustache was feeding from him, and the pierogies provided enough sustenance to keep it at bay.
This mustache, unbeknownst to Tony, was actually the puppeteer of his entire existence. Before time was time and space was space there was a great forest throughout the multiverse, a forest of mustache fiber. From here the population of the Linden bloodline sustained themselves and flourished. Members of the bloodline included Sinbad the commenian, David Hasselhoff, and Alf. Some may say that these men have nothing in common, to those I say; Don't look at the bodies Sinbad and the Hoff use, look beyond them. Inside the stomachs of these men lives an Alf-Like Creature, a Linden.
Approximately 10,000 eons into the Mustache forests existence, there was a great battle, a War of the Mustaches. The Muth clan was the ancient ruler of the land, an honorable and wise family renowned for their swift decisions. However, an ambitious group, the Godless ones, The Forsaken Pauly's challenged their peaceful rule. They claimed to have invented a disease that would reduce the Linden appetites to nothing more than beer and pretzeled bread, Turn their fine linen into flanel and Carhartt and turn their men into Bot's. The beautiful language of the Linden's would be lost, as their language would be reduced to nothing but the word "Beiber." All this would be true, if the forsaken unleashed what they called, the J-Virus. The Pauly's leader Ekkeforeasdujarret, Commonly refered to as Jarret threatened the Linden's with slavery and death if they did not kneel to his wishes. They refused, and the war began.
The Pauly's unleashed millions of JP-1000's to kill the Linden, and all seemed to be lost. Each robot released the J-Virus onto the people and their culture deteriorated. The forest was reduced to ash, nearly nothing stood. The people were captured and taken to the Pauly Headquarters, referred to as Galgatha. There they were kept in cages and sapped of their energy, which was used to fuel the JP-1000's
That was the fate of all... except one. a small boy, old enough to remember but not to understand was left alive. Some say fate, some say coincidence, but this boy, the last Linden, and a member of the Royal Muth Family knew that he would be eliminated if he did not escape.
At the same time, with the planet destroyed the forsaken decided to drop the J-Bomb on the planet, wiping out every living thing. The question was raised in their court and was passed on to Emperor Jarret for approval, it was signed and the preparations were made.
The small boy was planning his escape in a homemade Millenium Firebird, when he saw the bomb falling from the sky. He panicked, looked around for something to take with him to remember his homeworld, he saw a few partially singed fibers on the ground and put them under his lip for safe keeping and left, never to return.
As he took off, he went into suspended animation to keep him fresh during the long journey, and as he drifted off to sleep he though about what had happened, and dreamed for a brighter future.
As he slept, the fibers under his nose began to ruffle. A single fiber, who would be called Archibald, rallied the rest. The 327 fibers present decided unanimously to begin a new government and the first act, to graft themselves to the boy's skin. They chose the region underneath his nose for the cool air flow, all the while the boy had no idea what was happening . The fibers ruled similarly to the way the Muth's had. Thousands of years passed, the fibers grew and multiplied spawning children and everything was as it should have been.
As the years passed, other societies grew in the place of the Mustache forest. The Millennium Firebird, as it was floating in the heavens, ran out of gas and began to fall toward what was being called Earth. The car fell and landed on an immigrant boat carrying people directly from Australia. As the car hit the boat, the boat shattered and everyone on board was killed instantly. The boy swam from the boat and eventually reached The mouth of the Schuylkill River, and began to swim upstream like a salmon.
Eventually he reached the end of the river, in the county of Schuylkill. He climbed from the tea brown waters and began to shake himself dry. A man approached, to chastise him for swimming in the river "Hey you kid get out of that river there." The boy promptly leapt into the man's chest and made a home in his stomach, and this would become the way of the Linden. The man wandered more and came across a dilapidated shack and attempted to gain entry. He got in by way of breaking the door in, and he began to make himself at home.
A few days later the man was asked, "what is your name?" by a local drunkard he responded "I am The Tony, a Linden Muth." (Tony being the title given to the king of the Linden, and since the man was the only one left, he bestowed the title upon himself).
-------------------------------Too Tired, eventually the Tony will inseminate a beggar woman and begin the bloodline that will begat our Tony and eventually Space Tony.-----------------------------------------------
After
Tony Lindenmuth's sound victory in the Pierogie 500 he will become the
national poster boy for Guer's Iced Tea, as his frequent quaffing of
the beverage, and the superhuman effects it has on him make it an
international staple. This measure of celebrity will get him invited to
all the same Hollywood parties as celebrities such as Carrot Top and
Larry the Cable Guy; but Tony refused to leave home permanently.
On
one fateful Schuylkill County night Tony received an annoymnous phone
call from the future warning of danger to come. It was revealed that
Tony was set to receive an invitation in the coming days to tour the
Guer's factory at no cost. Space Tony, as the caller came to be known,
revealed that this was a dastardly plot to execute Regular Tony and he
should be wary. Tony wondered if this was the same guardian that
communicated with him through the vomit, but he couldn't be sure.Tony
ultimately refused the advice. He received the call by "Guer's"
(Actually it was the Eagle of Christ, a terrorist group with many
branches headed by Jarret Q. Pauly) and willingly and excitedly took
the offer. About thirty-six hours into the tour, an alarm sounded, it
was the Lehigh Valley Ice Tea Terrorist Alert (a branch of the Eagle of
Christ), a fact to which Tony was aloof. The terrorists stormed the
building and murdered the entire tour group in cold blood, but one man
was left alive, that man was Tony. More dead than alive he climbed
toward the only thing he could recognize, a 3,000 gallon vat of Guer's
Iced Tea. Tony's body, riddled with bullets climbs toward to vat and
was able to push himself in.
This was the defining
moment of his life. As he fell into the mixture, the tea began to bond
with its counterparts in Tony's mustache and soon, the chunks of flesh
and the bodily fluids Tony had lost in the gunfight were replaced with
fine Guer's Iced Tea. Tony emerged, more tea than man, and dispatched
on the Lehigh Valley Terrorists, they all indeed supped of his poison
mustache fibers that day I can tell you.
Old
Crow will by used by Space Tony to stop the Jew powers of Space Jarret.
Space Tony will do this by infusing his 3/4 Guers Iced Tea body with
Old Crow, thusly turning himself into a walking Old Richard. This
development will burn away the false flesh Space Jarret uses to cover
up green, scaly Jew Skin and force him to run to the edges of the
multiverse in his shoddily-made, Millennium Bread Truck.
Space Jarret will later be banished to the pits of Girardville, following a second challenge issued to Space Tony
¶ 2:02:00 PM Lindenmuth was/will be our savior. In an effort to record the
prophecies, I will now relay to you all the events that lead up to the
restoration of our freedom, by Tony/Space Tony's hands.
As
a dynamite handler, Tony paid the bills. He worked his job without more
than one hour's rest between shifts in order to maintain his armada. He
received nothing but criticism for his collection of seemingly useless
automobiles, but he took this criticism quietly, for he knew he was
destined for glory and he knew this glory would come about through his
vast array of cars.
He came to this realization after
a trip to the Schuylkill mountains. He had imbibed countless gallons of
Blackberry brandy and this caused him to release the contense of
himself onto the cold, leafy ground. In this mound he saw a face, a
face he could only recognize as his own. He looked deeply into it, and
it began to speak. "Great Tony, listen well, for your fate and the fate
of humanity of at hand" it said. He replied "No way man, I'm just crazy
man, those dynamite fumes man." The visage told him that what he was
seeing was verily a communique from the future,
but at risk of creating a rift, the mound said, he could only give
limited advice. "10,000 years from now the Mustache forest will be destroyed and its people enslaved, 10,000 years ago The Mustache forest will be saved and what can be avoided will be." and as the face faded,
Tony contemplated its meaning. Was he so inebriated that he could have
imagined it all? "No. This had to be real" he thought, as he sat trying
to maintain his composure and the rest of his stomach's material. And
he drifted off into a dreamless stupor.
About one week
later, Tony came to The Garage. There he was told of a race, a race not of men, but of suped up tractors, a race that promised to make a man out of
anyone. This race was the Pierogie 500; a lap race around a field
referred to as Fannie's field. Tony agreed to enter. Unfortunately,
Tony's armada had bankrupted him and he was unable to fund a race crew
for the contest. At this point, a squirrelly man, named Jarret Q. Pauly
came onto the scene. Pauly agreed to fund the venture. Why, you ask.
Pauly agreed to fund it because he knew what was to come. Previously,
under his alter ego, Mitch Wolfowitz, he had worked with the Zionist
Jew population on a plan to conquer the world and he saw this as his
opportunity to put his dreams of global domination into motion.
Tony started a strict diet to prepare for the race. The diet consisted of 500 pierogies each and every day, followed by a generous helping of Guers Iced Tea. Tony gained no extra weight from this diet, mostly because his mustache was feeding from him, and the pierogies provided enough sustenance to keep it at bay.
This mustache, unbeknownst to Tony, was actually the puppeteer of his entire existence. Before time was time and space was space there was a great forest throughout the multiverse, a forest of mustache fiber. From here the population of the Linden bloodline sustained themselves and flourished. Members of the bloodline included Sinbad the commenian, David Hasselhoff, and Alf. Some may say that these men have nothing in common, to those I say; Don't look at the bodies Sinbad and the Hoff use, look beyond them. Inside the stomachs of these men lives an Alf-Like Creature, a Linden.
Approximately 10,000 eons into the Mustache forests existence, there was a great battle, a War of the Mustaches. The Muth clan was the ancient ruler of the land, an honorable and wise family renowned for their swift decisions. However, an ambitious group, the Godless ones, The Forsaken Pauly's challenged their peaceful rule. They claimed to have invented a disease that would reduce the Linden appetites to nothing more than beer and pretzeled bread, Turn their fine linen into flanel and Carhartt and turn their men into Bot's. The beautiful language of the Linden's would be lost, as their language would be reduced to nothing but the word "Beiber." All this would be true, if the forsaken unleashed what they called, the J-Virus. The Pauly's leader Ekkeforeasdujarret, Commonly refered to as Jarret threatened the Linden's with slavery and death if they did not kneel to his wishes. They refused, and the war began.
The Pauly's unleashed millions of JP-1000's to kill the Linden, and all seemed to be lost. Each robot released the J-Virus onto the people and their culture deteriorated. The forest was reduced to ash, nearly nothing stood. The people were captured and taken to the Pauly Headquarters, referred to as Galgatha. There they were kept in cages and sapped of their energy, which was used to fuel the JP-1000's
That was the fate of all... except one. a small boy, old enough to remember but not to understand was left alive. Some say fate, some say coincidence, but this boy, the last Linden, and a member of the Royal Muth Family knew that he would be eliminated if he did not escape.
At the same time, with the planet destroyed the forsaken decided to drop the J-Bomb on the planet, wiping out every living thing. The question was raised in their court and was passed on to Emperor Jarret for approval, it was signed and the preparations were made.
The small boy was planning his escape in a homemade Millenium Firebird, when he saw the bomb falling from the sky. He panicked, looked around for something to take with him to remember his homeworld, he saw a few partially singed fibers on the ground and put them under his lip for safe keeping and left, never to return.
As he took off, he went into suspended animation to keep him fresh during the long journey, and as he drifted off to sleep he though about what had happened, and dreamed for a brighter future.
As he slept, the fibers under his nose began to ruffle. A single fiber, who would be called Archibald, rallied the rest. The 327 fibers present decided unanimously to begin a new government and the first act, to graft themselves to the boy's skin. They chose the region underneath his nose for the cool air flow, all the while the boy had no idea what was happening . The fibers ruled similarly to the way the Muth's had. Thousands of years passed, the fibers grew and multiplied spawning children and everything was as it should have been.
As the years passed, other societies grew in the place of the Mustache forest. The Millennium Firebird, as it was floating in the heavens, ran out of gas and began to fall toward what was being called Earth. The car fell and landed on an immigrant boat carrying people directly from Australia. As the car hit the boat, the boat shattered and everyone on board was killed instantly. The boy swam from the boat and eventually reached The mouth of the Schuylkill River, and began to swim upstream like a salmon.
Eventually he reached the end of the river, in the county of Schuylkill. He climbed from the tea brown waters and began to shake himself dry. A man approached, to chastise him for swimming in the river "Hey you kid get out of that river there." The boy promptly leapt into the man's chest and made a home in his stomach, and this would become the way of the Linden. The man wandered more and came across a dilapidated shack and attempted to gain entry. He got in by way of breaking the door in, and he began to make himself at home.
A few days later the man was asked, "what is your name?" by a local drunkard he responded "I am The Tony, a Linden Muth." (Tony being the title given to the king of the Linden, and since the man was the only one left, he bestowed the title upon himself).
-------------------------------Too Tired, eventually the Tony will inseminate a beggar woman and begin the bloodline that will begat our Tony and eventually Space Tony.-----------------------------------------------
After
Tony Lindenmuth's sound victory in the Pierogie 500 he will become the
national poster boy for Guer's Iced Tea, as his frequent quaffing of
the beverage, and the superhuman effects it has on him make it an
international staple. This measure of celebrity will get him invited to
all the same Hollywood parties as celebrities such as Carrot Top and
Larry the Cable Guy; but Tony refused to leave home permanently.
On
one fateful Schuylkill County night Tony received an annoymnous phone
call from the future warning of danger to come. It was revealed that
Tony was set to receive an invitation in the coming days to tour the
Guer's factory at no cost. Space Tony, as the caller came to be known,
revealed that this was a dastardly plot to execute Regular Tony and he
should be wary. Tony wondered if this was the same guardian that
communicated with him through the vomit, but he couldn't be sure.Tony
ultimately refused the advice. He received the call by "Guer's"
(Actually it was the Eagle of Christ, a terrorist group with many
branches headed by Jarret Q. Pauly) and willingly and excitedly took
the offer. About thirty-six hours into the tour, an alarm sounded, it
was the Lehigh Valley Ice Tea Terrorist Alert (a branch of the Eagle of
Christ), a fact to which Tony was aloof. The terrorists stormed the
building and murdered the entire tour group in cold blood, but one man
was left alive, that man was Tony. More dead than alive he climbed
toward the only thing he could recognize, a 3,000 gallon vat of Guer's
Iced Tea. Tony's body, riddled with bullets climbs toward to vat and
was able to push himself in.
This was the defining
moment of his life. As he fell into the mixture, the tea began to bond
with its counterparts in Tony's mustache and soon, the chunks of flesh
and the bodily fluids Tony had lost in the gunfight were replaced with
fine Guer's Iced Tea. Tony emerged, more tea than man, and dispatched
on the Lehigh Valley Terrorists, they all indeed supped of his poison
mustache fibers that day I can tell you.
Somehow a couple thousand years have to pass here... Person who give a good way to do this is a God
Old
Crow will by used by Space Tony to stop the Jew powers of Space Jarret.
Space Tony will do this by infusing his 3/4 Guers Iced Tea body with
Old Crow, thusly turning himself into a walking Old Richard. This
development will burn away the false flesh Space Jarret uses to cover
up green, scaly Jew Skin and force him to run to the edges of the
multiverse in his shoddily-made, Millennium Bread Truck.
Again, something funny has to happen here, give me ideas...
Space Jarret will later be banished to the pits of Girardville, following a second challenge issued to Space Tony
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